Those bitches

Can I just say how much I hate women how announce pregnancies super early? Yes, it's all jealousy. Every ounce of my hatred right now is jealousy. Some random person that I knew in high school just announced her 7 week pregnancy and included a healthy looking ultrasound. What the hell, cow!? I just want the world to stop being happy for a second and let life suck... and all for ME.

Furthermore, why do I make Facebook friends with people I knew 15 years ago and have nothing to do with now? I think I need a Facebook cleanse like I need my tubes flushed.

What the doc says is always true

So having two miscarriages isn't suppose to mean anything. I guess it's when you have three. On a lighter note, I can drink on our trip to Mesa Verde with the boys! Having a kid is much better than having a bottle of Merlot, for sure. Nothing has been changed, still on progesterone pills to extend the luteal phase. Still charting. Still doing the morning routine (which I hate).

If people think I'm joking about having a blow-out party at the one year mark, I'm not. This summer people... this summer!

Please Mr. Stork, remember my address this summer. I don't want to spend money on a huge party; I want to spend money on a child.

Another Miscarriage

After yesterday, this morning reminded me of how hard it is to conceive. Yet another miscarriage. On to July, I suppose.

Since no one is reading...

We just found out we are pregnant... again. We miscarried in March and are now pregnant the second time. The doctor gave me a hormone prescription so we are hoping the fetus will attach and make it. Since I'm spilling the beans, I have a short luteal phase which makes getting pregnant very hard. With a hormone treatment, we're suppose to make it to the second trimester. After the first is over, I should be able to carry the baby to full-term. *fingers crossed* Needless to say, we aren't telling people (blogging is okay b/c I never tell people to read it; it's more for me) because our excitement is different. When you try for so long and have issues, you don't assume it's going to work out and you don't run to announce it to the world. I am primarily blogging this b/c if the pregnancy does work out and people take an interest, this will be something to read. WE FOUND OUT WE ARE PREGNANT AGAIN.

Now, next week I am suppose to get an early ultrasound to check the implantation and a possible heartbeat. Again, hoping for the best but completely aware of the worse. Those who conceive easily are typically just happy at this moment. Greg and I are a bit scared. If you are reading this and have had a hard time getting pregnant, I hope it works out for you just as I hope it works out for us.

Hopefully my next blog will be sharing the good news of the ultrasound.

I'm a bad blogger

With the help of Greg, I think I'm finally coming to terms with not having children. After spending most of my 20's not wanting children, I didn't think infertility would bother me. The one year mark is approaching and I do know what that means, as does Greg. He doesn't voice his disappointment like I do. Sometimes I hate this because it makes me feel very alone. Greg just keeps telling me all the good things we could do in life if we don't have children.

After looking at our options (adoption, tests, etc.) it doesn't appear that having children will be part of our life together. We can't afford adoption and even if we could afford the tests, IUI, IVF... I don't know if we'd do them.

We are blessed in so many ways. We live in our dream neighborhood, I work in the best district in the state, Greg hasn't had any secondary health problems from UC, and our dogs are great pups. I just hope I'm not focusing on what is good to compensate for what I am missing. Soon it catches up to you and it can be more devastating.

My doctors have been telling me stories, some are their own stories, of it taking a longer time to have the first child. I guess there is some comfort in that.

I am not good at blogging and I don't know if anyone follows this. Seems like people only follow your blog if you have children or have a family that consists of more than you, your spouse, and a few dogs. I suppose a DINK's life is pretty boring, and I can't blame them.

I must collect myself and go to work.

If I hear the phrase "baby dance" one more time...!

It's been months now and for those of you counting, seven. No blasted positive. No rise in BBT (google that one). Went to the doctor and will undergo some testing in March. Might be endometriosis. Might be tight fallopian tubes. Might be, might be. I asked Greg how much money we want to put into all this. We have no idea. Don't tell me the cliche, "It will happen" because quite frankly - it might not.

Sure, we thought we might NOT have kids when we first married. The idea of being a couple without kids, free to travel or whatever was very tempting. But, to make the decision to try and have no control over the outcome is what really pisses me off. I suppose the anger is that my choice has been taken away. Or so it seems.